Gram's Limericks

 

Meet our Grandma, or as we affectionately call her "Gram". At age 95, she has taken to writing funny and often crude limericks about her family and their friends. We decided it was apropriate to name one of our cider's "5 Liner" after her 5 lined "Not So Dry" limericks. Check them out below!!

Please be advised that these limericks are very dirty. If you are offended then great, Gram has done her job! :) 

There once was a girl names Lee
Who would do the wild thing for a fee
The reason she said
I’m a tiger in bed
That’s why I won’t do it for free
 
There once was a girl names Claire
And she never wore underwear
When asked her why not
She said my twat is so hot
It really does need lots of air
 
A guy was having the time of his life
When a burglar broke in waving a knife
He said this isn’t funny
Just give me your money
It scared the guy right out of his wife
 
If there’s a sweet thing you want to impress
Try using a little finesse
It will surely decide her
If you bring this great cider
Before long she will start to undress
 
Said a cute little lady from Spain
I like it now and again
But let me explain
By now and again
I mean now, and again, and again.
 
A transplant surgeon from Guelph
Gave a girl’s heart to an elf
He gave a marine
A liver and a spline
The best part he kept for himself
 
A cabbies wife brighter than some
Had a meter installed on her bum
With a musical chime
To keep track of time
And allowed to pay as you come
 
There once was a good looking fin
Who had an appendage real long and thin
He said with a grin
Ill get it up to your chin
She said just let me know when its in.
 
Ben said to his girl with grin
Erin, we should stop living in sin
She said don’t be a dork
Just give me the pork
And I’ll kiss the hair on your chinny chin chin
 
Adam met a cute girl at a dance
She fell in love at first glance
But she knew with alarm
When he turned on the charm
That he just wanted into her pants
 
After Adam and his girl wined and dined
She told him I’m not the marrying kind
He thought that’s too bad
She might wish she had
Because a hard man is good to find
 
There once was a guy from Australia
Who was proud of his small genitalia
She looked with scorn
When he showed he his horn
He said you wont look that way when I nail you
 
Adam met a cute girl and he said
Lets go for a ride on my sled
When she felt a bit queasy
He just took it easy
For a wild ride he took her to bed
 
There was a young fellow names hector
Who said to a girl as he necked her
I hope you wont care
If I pull out some hair
You see I’m a box top collector.
(from book of limericks)
 
There once was a fellow named Fred
He was very energetic in bed
He was pounding away
Like a jackhammer one day
When he happily wound up dead
 
There once was a girl named Jerry
She bragged that she still had her cherry
Dave said Ill fix that
And in no time flat
He had Jerry feeling quite merry.
 
There once was an old fellow named bill
Who was addicted to the little blue pill
He had the time of his life
Without telling his wife
She thought he was over the hill
 
There once was a fellow named mike
Who fell for a good looking dyke
He said I love you my dear
She said too bad I’m queer
And you can go take a hike.
 
When Debbie screwed up her back
She said someone should pick up her slack
So she summoned he slave
And said don’t make any waves
Cause I’ve got a big whip I can crack
 
Young Tim had a favourite tree
It was where he liked to go pee
He took great pride
In his stream so far and wide
I’ve got lots of pressure said he
 
There once was a guy named fritz
He dated a gal with big tits
When she jumped his bones
And made really loud moans
She scared him right out of his wits
 
There once was a hard working miner
Who’s favorite drink was a fine cider
He said I want the best
To hell with the rest
And there’s nothing as fine as 5 liner
 
There once was a cowboy, truck rider
Who clearly loved his apple cider
He said this is the best
It meets every test
And he cracked open on more 5 liner
 
If you’re planning a big celebration
And you want to create a sensation
Serve this five liner cider
There’s no cider finer
In fact, it’s the perfect libation
 
If you’re planning a pleasant surprise
For someone you idolize
There’s nothing finer
Than this apple cider
Who knows what surprise might arise.
 
Roses are red violets are blue
This five liner cider is the cider for you
It’s a blend of the best
It has a great zest
Made with tlc just especially for you.
 
If you’re hoping to have conjugal relations
Be sure to serve this finest of libations
No need for the pill
This five liner will
Guarantee you the best of sensations
 
If you’re hoping to have conjugal relations
Be sure to serve this finest of libations
Shell have you in hand
The way you had planned
You’ll be assured of the sublime sensations
 
Big Mike showed everyone his new knife
Said if anyone _____ with my wife
No ifs, ands, or buts,
I’ll cut off his __________
And he’ll be walking funny the rest of his life
 
A two-timing red headed Fred
Put a bun in the oven he said
And I have no doubt
If a red head pops out
I’ll be running with an ass full of lead
 
There once was a lady named Phyl
Who thought her husband was over the hill
It would not be denied her
She plied him with cider
Soon her frisky old man could fulfill
 
A pretty young fashion designer
Had a date with a handsome young miner
Ive brought cider he said
She later took him to bed
There’s something magic about that 5 liner

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